August 10, 2021
From back here on death row I have often felt as if I was stuck in time. Or that time seemed to flow at a much slower pace than for those out in the free world. And at other times, it seems as if time has just caught up to me all at once. This has mainly been because of the lack of being able to bridge the distance gap with people no matter how many letters I write. By the time my thoughts arrive via snail mail, the topics that was discussed or things that may have been pressing to someone is no longer the case. That situation and thus time has moved on.
Over the years, I have often expressed the need to ‚live‘ through the eyes of the people that I write. For me this has been a need for me to see as much of everyday life as possible. To ‚go along‘ with people when they go to festivals, outtings to with family and friends. Anything, so long as that moments has been captured in a picture and sent to me. Unfortunately this has proven to be a bigger problem than I have imagined. Even with the ability to capture events from a phone and send it through a service which would take that picture and send it to me in the form of a picture or card. Few people have used such services to keep me with them ‚in life‘ in a way that could make me feel as if I wasn’t being passed by. And then when I would get pictures sometimes, like of children born to someone in my family or friends, they are almost grown and I think to myself, „Damn, it seems like it was only yesterday when I was told that you was born…“ The flip side of this is when I have pictures of someone from years ago, and they would visit with me. And they look so much older, and it seems like life has begun to wear them down. Or worse, I hear that someone who was relatively healthy only a few years ago has suddenly died. I’ll get the news often weeks or months, even years sometimes after it has happened. Making any words that I would have wanted to say to convey my condolences, strength love and support; almost meaningless.
Time is a ‚weird‘ thing… I worry a lot about people that I know. People that I write, and how at this stage in my life – almost half of which is gone. And looking at the second stage(s) of my life I worry how many of them will be left to me by the time I get freed from this hell. I am sure that many people who love and support me would have thought that they had plenty of time in life, to where they would have seen me freed, and then we would all enjoy the years ahead of us. Now we all feel the press of time. No matter what we may think. Time is not on our side. Patience is not what it once was for us to watch this situation of mines play a result that we all want. Still, through it all, no matter the press of time upon us, I still urge the people that I know; The people who still have the patience and belief that this situation of mine will play out in a way that we all hope for, TO LIVE. No matter how time feels to me or to anyone else. LIVE. ENJOY LIFE. And when the time is right, I will be there and we will all live life so much sweeter and so much better.
Always, in Strength and in Spirit!
Tony Egbuna Ford